On this, the day of National Coffee Day, I summon my most hilarious self to give honor to the brew of brews. Without coffee, we would not have cars, planes, or indoor bathrooms. We would live in a world we couldn’t see because we wouldn’t be able to find our glasses, and nothing would get done because no one would be able to function. So, this is its day, and even if you don’t drink coffee, you still have good reason to give it thanks.
Coffee is the only socially acceptable drug we’re proud of needing. Nobody says, “I can’t function until I’ve had my orange juice.” But say, “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee,” and everybody gets it. We treat it like a defibrillator. First sip and suddenly our eyes focus. “Okay. I remember where I work. I have children. That’s a refrigerator.”
A small coffee used to be a cup. Now the smallest one is enough liquid to drown a hamster. The large has handles because technically it’s a bucket. Coffee used to have two questions. “Cream?” “Sugar?” Now ordering coffee sounds like you’re giving launch coordinates to NASA. “Grande half-caf oat milk upside-down caramel macchiato, two pumps, light foam.” And the poor guy behind you just wants coffee. “Can I get the brown stuff?”
And coffee people judge everybody else’s coffee. Black-coffee people are especially proud. “I drink mine black.” Congratulations, Clint Eastwood. We understand. You also shave with a hunting knife. Decaf is coffee that has been disarmed. That’s like ordering whiskey and asking them to remove the alcohol. “I enjoy the burning sensation. I just don’t want any of the benefits.”
And office coffee is drink at your own risk. Nobody knows when it was made. Nobody knows who made it. There’s half an inch left in the pot because the last person didn’t want the responsibility of making another one. That’s not coffee anymore. That’s an archaeological sample. Then Keurig came along. Humanity spent thousands of years developing civilization, agriculture, and international trade so that we could eventually scream at a machine because our coffee took 47 seconds.
Coffee breath is worth addressing. We love coffee so much that we’ve collectively agreed to ignore what it does to the human mouth. That second cup tastes fantastic. Your breath can now strip paint. If you drink coffee, you own at least seventeen mugs but use only two. The others exist because somebody once thought, “You know what he needs for Christmas? He likes coffee. I’ll get him a coffee mug.”
Coffee temperature makes no sense. Fresh coffee is approximately the temperature of the Earth’s core. Look away for thirty seconds. Ice fishing. But you’re still drinking it. In fact, I don’t know this, but I’m pretty sure that’s where Iced Coffee came from.
Enjoy National Coffee Day! For most of us, it’s every day!
